


The road not taken

by luckyjacks



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:40:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 13,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24252985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckyjacks/pseuds/luckyjacks
Summary: This piece tries to tell the story from Aster's perspective while being faithful to the original story. We do invent stuff, but we wanted to be realistic.
Relationships: Aster Flores/Paul Munsky, Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 18
Kudos: 224





	1. Chapter 1

Aster Flores never liked her dad's decision to move to Squahamish. Her dad, as the pastor and the chorus teacher at school, had better career prospects in a small religious town, and the bills were cheaper, but everything else was a downgrade from Sacramento. Very few people had dreams, most students graduated and worked in small restaurants or shops after finishing high school. It often amused her how everybody in this small town seemed to fear god and believe in the bible blindly. However, it was never her place to argue with her dad. She was simply to do as he said, take his opinions for the truth, or it would be a long night of scolding.

She quickly started to get noticed at the high school that she went to in Squahamish. Despite his methods, her dad had successfully raised her into "a lady". She was good at looking pretty, smiling when people looked at her, and always being polite. She always had eyes and gossip following her, and over time she learned to ignore all the attention. Guys have asked her out, and girls have invited her into their gangs, but it didn't take her long to realize that they only wanted her to hang with them so they'd seem cooler. 

Trig Carson, one of the most popular boys in school, asked her out in sophomore year, and asked her to be his girlfriend after a couple of dates. She said yes. At first, she thought she liked Trig. He was good looking, generous, and always so confident. He had this energy that he knew exactly what he wanted and he'd never bet against himself. He was always radiating a charismatic smile. It was enticing at first, but over time Aster realized that Trig was just cocky because he never experienced hardship. His family owned half of the property in Squahamish, he never had to work hard for anything, and even when there was homework he couldn't write, he'd just pay the straight-A Chinese girl to do it for him. It had been 2 years since they started dating. Trig decided where to eat every day, and boasted about himself the entire meal. After a while, Aster stopped feeling ignored during those hangouts. At least it was easy to please Trig. She barely needed to say anything in response.

Her dad liked Trig though. She wasn't sure if it was really Trig's character, or if her dad just liked how rich the Carson family was, but her dad seemed to look forward to marrying her off as soon as possible. She overheard her dad and Trig talking one day, about their future wedding. The potential wealthy guests of the Carsons. Inserted advertisements for the Carson family business. What kind of suit Trig looked the best in… Trig had no doubt that she’d say yes. She couldn't really get excited at the prospect at all, but if her dad was determined that the entire family would spend the rest of their lives in Squahamish, and if she was going to become a Squahamish housewife no matter what, Trig might as well be the best the town had to offer.

Still, Aster found herself asking god, should she? To be totally honest, Aster really didn’t enjoy church or being Christian, but her dad would probably disown her if he ever found out about that. And for a question of this gravity, any answer from anyone would help.

Books were Aster's only escape from reality. They gave her a world that wasn't so shallow and meaningless and hopelessly religious. The fictional universes had more interests than gossips and bragging. She could get lost in all the stories about life, love and society, while her peers played drinking games.

Sometimes Aster wondered what the other misfits in town think, but there weren't that many. It's a 99% white Christian town. That straight-A Chinese girl that wrote all Trig's essays was the only other minority that was her age, but Ellie Chu wasn’t one that made friends. Unlike Aster who suffered "be like a lady" lectures from her dad daily, Ellie Chu never seemed to care about fitting in or pleasing others. She dressed down, didn't hang with anybody, and was one of the only people in town who didn't believe in god. In spite of this, Aster’s dad seemed to like her, and not just because she was a cheaper organist than adults. Her dad didn't smile at dinners much, but a few times, he chuckled talking about her. "That heathen's quite something."


	2. Chapter 2

It was an ordinary morning. Aster was walking alone down the hall when she heard books and papers dropping to the floor. She looked ahead and saw Ellie Chu kneeling down picking up a pile of paper in front of her. Aster sighed. High school was a cruel place, and Ellie was definitely one of the most common punching bags for the arrogant rich kids of this school, even though they paid her to do their homework. Surprisingly, Ellie never fought back. Aster had heard "Chuga-chuga-chu-chu" many times, felt repulsed, only to see a nonchalant poker face on Ellie as she walked past her hecklers. She knelt down too and started to help Ellie with her belongings. "These hallways are murder", she said, sympathizing.

The girl looked up, perhaps shocked that anyone would help her, and slowly said "I'm Ellie Chu".

Aster grinned. "Yes, I know," -- how could this girl think she needed introduction -- "you've only been playing at my dad's services every Sunday for like 4 years."

Ellie continued to stare at her, as Aster told her how she's her dad's favorite heathen, and commented on how she also liked the Remains of the Day, a book that Ellie dropped to the floor. I must be scaring this girl off, Aster thought, she barely knows me and I just told her that my family gossips about her. She handed Ellie her phone, smiled, and walked away.

As Aster walked away, she felt Ellie looking back at her. Aster sighed again. Yup, it's so tough to grow up in this town as an immigrant. If she wasn't pretty and didn't date Trig, she'd probably be in the same boat, getting bullied and getting used to it. So used to it that she'd be shocked when someone didn't.

But wait a minute, Ellie _was_ pretty. Aster was so used to seeing the girl from a distance, in cheap shirts and jeans, striding down the hallways, looking all "me against the world". That was the first time she saw the girl up close. She wore cheap glasses but her eyes were clear, innocent, and smart. She was fashionless but she had a slender frame. Despite all the bullying she faced, the girl's actual skin was smooth and soft, as Aster felt when their fingers touched as she handed over the phone. And her face was just... cute.

And she's smart, and talented, and tough. And she was reading the Remains of the Day. Aster didn't expect to be considering Ellie like this, but she suddenly felt in awe.

It's such a shame that she's the daughter of a poor immigrant in a town like this.

But then again, that's Aster too. She's also the daughter of a poor immigrant, trapped here in Hellquamish, destined to marry Trig Carson.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day Aster received a letter in her locker, signed Paul Munsky.

She knew the boy. He was a tall, muscular guy on the football team. He barely ever talked, and Aster had no idea he was this sophisticated. She usually brushed away people's words of admiration with a polite smile, but the letter started off with a quote from Wings of Desire, and just poetically professed a longing. The words were deep and smooth, daring but respectful. She found herself reading the letter over and over. Who _is_ this boy? She barely knew him, she couldn't quite respond to the "longing" yet, but she was quite interested in finding out more about him and what he had to say on life and dreams, literature and filmography... It was hard to come across a soul like this in this town. In fact, she had not come across a soul like this in this town ever.

Aster felt a sense of guilt. It's not right to reply to the letter when she's still with Trig, and probably set to marry him. But a simple "I like Wim Wenders too" wouldn't hurt, right?

She wrote a short note and slipped it into Paul's locker. 

In two days, there was a reply. This one had a much more casual tone.

"Dear Aster,

Okay, you got me. I sometimes hide behind other people's words. For one thing, I know nothing about love. I'm 17, I lived in Squahamish my whole life. I hang out with my friends. I keep my head down. I'm a simple guy. Which is to say, if I knew what love was, I would quote myself.

-Paul"

It was cute, but still smart. The boy came across so humble, so sincere, so different from Trig's constant demand of admiration.

 _This is wrong!_ The voice that was in her head persisted, but much fainter. And at that point, Aster couldn't stop herself. She started writing the boy about how hard it was to come across sincerity as a pretty girl, how she had learned to not show her real feelings, and how she felt like she was losing her identity. She kept the tone casual, but it was personal. She wasn’t sure why she was spilling so much to someone she just started talking to, but it seemed like if she could let it out in front of anyone, it was this boy.


	4. Chapter 4

It didn’t take long before the letters became daily correspondences. Aster found Paul’s perspectives in sync with hers, yet he was intellectually challenging in a way that encouraged her passion and affirmation. While they still haven’t spoken in person, she found herself exchanging looks with him in the hallway more and more. Those looks were often the highlight of the day for Aster. There were times when she overheard girls gossiping about her, and looking at Paul would make her feel like it was okay. Whatever those people thought, there was someone who understood. And it definitely didn’t hurt that Paul had a goofy smile that lightened up the day.

That day she wrote Paul about a theory she once heard back when she was still painting, about how a great painting was usually made with a few bold strokes. It was a metaphor for her life. Her unwillingness to take risks was causing her to get stuck with her current mediocre life in Squahamish, even though many would consider that a good life.

Paul’s reply was simple: “Perhaps. But how well do you know Squahamish?” with some coordinates. Following the coordinates, she found a wall with the writings “any 5 strokes” on it, and some spray paint on the ground.

Aster laughed. This boy’s so cute. He’s deep without being too serious, and romantic but not cliché. 

She picked up a spray paint and randomly drew a line on the wall. “Your move”, she wrote.

The next day when she walked to the wall, she found her line completely messed up with random sprays, and the words “so that’s your boldest stroke?” next to it.

Aster had not seen anything like this before. But if the boy was going to challenge her, game on. She added a couple of wild strokes, and teased the boy back: “I’m into the slow build, what was that?”

The next few days when she returned, she brought her old paint and brushes. You want a painting? I’ll give you a painting. After a couple of days, she sketched a goddess reaching for a star on the wall. And the first day that Paul didn’t add strokes or words to the wall, she knew that she had impressed him.

But that was also the day that the wall art was discovered by someone, and painted over. “Everything beautiful is ruined eventually”, she sprayed onto the whiteness.


	5. Chapter 5

It was fun to talk to Paul through letters and a wall, but as time went on, Aster found herself craving to chat with Paul in person, with no time delays in exchanges. She wondered how Paul would ask her out eventually. The boy was romantic in a way that she had never seen before. Sometimes she imagined another set of coordinates, but instead of a wall for graffiti, Paul would be waiting there with a wide smile and a picnic. But as the letters dragged out, it almost seemed like he was content with just being pen pals.

She was watching Trig showing off another one of his silly tricks in front of his gang when she received the text. It was under the name Paul Munsky, but it did not sound like him at all. The message was filled with emojis, and barely had any words. It was silly and straight forward. “Fries tonight? I have truck!” Aster didn’t know what to make of this. She would say yes, but this _had_ to be a prank.

Just while she was crafting her message and deleting it, more messages came. Paul explained that his sister took his phone, and asked to move the message to ghost messenger. Yup, that sounded right, but was he not going to ask her out?

Just then Trig went ecstatic with something that the truck just did, and started cheering like an idiot. Then the entire gang joined his self-congratulating. Aster had no idea what was so exciting, but she forced an approving smile. She looked at this boy that her dad already approved to be her future husband. Is this really it?

When the cheering finally died down, and she didn’t need to fake smile at Trig anymore, she took out her phone again and wrote to SmithCorona, the screen name Paul gave her. She was going to invite herself to those fries if he was never going to ask her out.


	6. Chapter 6

Aster was nervous going into their first date. Even though she saw him and wrote letters to him every day in school, they have yet talked in person. Paul was so smart. All the books he read and artwork he’d seen, all his sophisticated views on life… What if she couldn’t talk on his level? She sat in bed and stared blankly at her room. Suddenly she noticed her two copies of Remains of the Day. Kazuo Ishiguro came to California last year, and she drove all night to meet him. She didn’t know why she bought another copy of the book at the shop for him to sign, but now she knew. It was to save for the day when she finally met her match.

She arrived at the diner early. It had been a while since she looked forward to something this much. She recited the letters they had been writing, trying to remember everything the boy said. Then Paul arrived and sat down across her, and they both exchanged a shy but wide smile. 

She took out the book she brought in her bag and slid it across the table, explaining excitedly about how she had an extra autographed version. She expected him to be lit, to enthusiastically flip through the pages and talk about how he loved this book and couldn’t believe Ishiguro’s autograph was right in front of him… but Paul just looked blank and lost for words.

Of course, he had a copy too. “You probably read it, I just thought you’d like a copy too”, Aster quickly added.

Paul was still dumbstruck, but he gathered himself for a polite “cool, yeah, totally…”

Aster felt like an idiot. Her present had failed to impress. Of course. Why would you give a book to a person who probably already had the exact book?

Paul seemed apologetic, and hastily added “Yeah, I love… Nazis!”

Aster didn’t know how to respond to this, but she put the boy in an awkward spot in the first place, and now he’s messing up his words.

“I mean the ones in the book… More of those Nazis... Am I right?”

Aster wasn’t quite following. She decided it was better to talk about something else. She thanked Paul for coming, as this dinner was something her dad would never forgive her for, and it was nice to make a new friend. Paul answered with perfunctory words. 

The rest of the dinner was just as awkward. It didn’t seem like Paul was enthusiastic about anything she said, or was really happy to make this new friend anymore.

Aster felt miserable when she got home. Yep, she blew it. Why did she go on so much about books?


	7. Chapter 7

Aster was almost certain that Paul would not be interested in continuing conversations with her any further. She had not received a message from SmithCorona after the date. Truth be told, that first date was pretty bad on her end as well. It was hard to imagine the boy who stammered “I like Nazis” as the eloquent and thoughtful philosopher in the letters, but she was pretty nervous too and maybe all that conversation about classic literature just wasn’t suited for in-person talks.

She decided to text the boy. “Well that was weird?” she sent out, wondering if this would ever continue.

It was quiet at first, but Paul did reply after a while. He told her that he’s busy with football training, and he’d like to meet up again in 3 weeks. 3 weeks was a long time… Apparently, she did drive him off a bit, but well at least they’re still talking, and there was a second date to look forward to. Maybe?

The funny thing was that now that they’re writing instead of talking again, Paul became interesting again. Paul’s texts were shorter than his letters, but still thoughtful and artsy. There were days when they would go on texting past midnight. Aster had never felt this close to anyone, where she could let all her secrets out and not be judged, but understood and resonated with. Those feelings were starting to seriously affect how she felt about her arrangement with Trig. But still, it felt like she didn’t have a choice when her family so frequently had dinner with Trig’s, and their parents seemed so sure that they’re becoming family soon.

She had asked Paul once what secrets he had in mind for staying up so late every day, and Paul simply answered, “no secrets, just a good guy… and you should be with a good guy.”

It was tempting, but she tried to put off making a serious decision on anything. The question was impossible to answer anyway. Even if she did break up with Trig, what next? Help Paul with his family’s meat business here in Squahamish, still seeing her father almost every day? All while both of them dreamed of bigger things, lamented about being trapped here, and turned to repressed literature as an escape? For the time being, Aster just enjoyed the conversations with Paul. It was all that she knew at the moment anyway. She liked talking to him.


	8. Chapter 8

Time finally came to their second date. Aster was determined to not come across like a boring book nerd again, but the date was just as awkward. They sat in silence as neither seemed to know what to say. Paul made a few short attempts at speech which didn’t turn into any conversation that Aster could follow.

Suddenly she felt her phone vibrate, and it showed a message from… SmithCorona?

“You… texted me?” She asked Paul, whose phone was lying on the diner table. It seemed impossible. She didn’t remember Paul texting the entire time that they were staring silently at each other. But Paul quickly picked up his phone, answered “yup”, and started texting her instead.

The message said “I get nervous when you’re close.”

She could see that. The boy was almost sweating forming his words earlier. But… “Why?” she texted back, which the boy replied in ellipses. 

“I’m just a girl.” She wrote.

“You’re _not_ just a girl.”

Aster felt her heart skip a beat. She could feel the boy’s nervousness from across the table. There was a trace of worry on his face, apparently unsure how everything would be received.

“I’m not? Then what are you?” She tried to ease the boy down.

It took a few seconds, but Paul finally texted back “Also not just a girl.”

Aster laughed and looked up at the boy, who looked relieved. He also cracked a smile and gave her a thumbs up. It was weird, but the boy’s awkwardness was cute.

“You’re strange”, she replied, “but cute.”

The boy seemed to really be struggling from across the table now. Clutching onto his phone, he was tense, building up to something. It was weird, but at least they were actually talking now, instead of staring at each other’s drinks. 

“You have classic bone structure.” The boy finally sent out. Aster smiled. Despite how unusual the remark was, she had never felt happier at any compliment. But she didn’t know what to type back other than “thanks”.

She stared at her phone, too nervous herself now to look at the real Paul sitting just across the table. Dots were appearing and disappearing in the chat box. Whatever the boy wanted to say, it was taking up all of him to let out… or perhaps he was trying to find the right romantic quote? Maybe this was what it was like in Paul’s head the entire time, struggling for speech, second guessing every word, and coming up with creative but unusual comments that he kept deleting… 

“I don’t want to be just friends!” Paul suddenly shouted.

Aster’s head jerked up, as every other customer in the diner also looked back. Paul was standing up from his seat. He seemed surprised himself at this. He had the same startled look and his chest was heaving in heavy breathes. But for the first time, he didn’t look hesitant. He was determined, even if the words weren’t perfect.

“I think you are pretty. And funny. And smart. And your laugh is like... an ocean of thoughts! Five oceans of thoughts! Or five voices or...” Paul scrambled as he started stuttering again, but finally shouted out, “I LIKE YOU!”

Aster looked at him, at a loss of words. It was the weirdest confession. She barely understood the second half. Paul worked himself up for so long for this? She was surprised, but also delighted, and she didn’t know which emotion actually showed up on her face.

“I don’t know what to say.” She finally said, jaws still open.

“Me neither…” Paul was back to his shy and startled self, “I’m not a good talker.”

Aster almost cracked out laughing. He’s so clumsy, but sincere. She murmured “it’s okay”, as they looked at each other. Slowly, their timid faces both turned into the happiest grins, and Aster could finally recognize this boy as the guy who had been writing her all those letters and texts.

Paul sat down, and held her hand that just dropped the phone. They beamed at each other. Finally.

That night when Paul walked her back to her car, they kissed. The moment was soft and tender, but for Aster there was also something daring. She defied her dad. For her life for that felt like being nailed into a coffin, there was finally something she chose that made her feel alive.


	9. Chapter 9

Aster could barely suppress her grin for a second in Sacramento. It was finally official, and far sooner than she expected. She still hadn’t figured out how to break things to Trig and her dad yet, but truth be told, it wasn’t really the first thing on her mind anyway. She killed some of the time in Sacramento painting, but for perhaps the first time in her life, she was yearning to go back to Squahamish sooner.

She came up with an excuse to go back home early. She was going to give Paul a surprise. She picked out her favorite piece of art she created on her trip, and headed back home. She was nervous about showing Paul her work, but after all, this was the boy who created that painting on the wall with her. The rest of Squahamish would probably just see a flower, but he’d understand.

She drove to Paul’s the morning after she got back. Disappointed when Paul’s mother told her Paul had already gone out for football training, Aster settled for dropping her painting off. She chatted with Paul’s mom as they reached Paul’s room, and --

“Oh it’s Paul’s Chinese friend! I didn’t hear you coming in.”

But the girl clearly just woke up. Her hair was a mess, her glasses were lopsided, her jacket was on one shoulder, and she was clutching her backpack, as if she was in a hurry to escape from the scene. Paul was having other girls over when she’s not in town?

And of all people, _Ellie Chu_? She liked that girl from school, even though they didn’t talk much. She was one of the very few people who weren’t mean or superficial. Most of Squahamish bullied the poor immigrant nerd, but Aster respected the courage and the brains… But this was not a time that she’d like to see her. What was she doing in Paul’s bed? She knew that the talent show was the night before, so maybe some students got drunk… But Paul brought a girl home??

“I was just dropping off some books”, the girl lied in a rasp.

“Aster’s just dropping off… TONY!!!” Paul’s mother was suddenly distracted by a sound upstairs and left the girls alone.

Awkward silence. Aster walked forward timidly and said hi to Ellie, looking back and forth between the girl and Paul’s bed that she apparently just got out from. She hadn’t told anyone that she and Paul were dating. Did she even have the rights to ask questions? To be jealous? Not wanting to be rude, she decided it was best to pretend that she just found out that two of her classmates were dating.

“So, you and Paul, you guys…” She gave a convincing casual tone, but --

“Oh! God! NO!” Ellie shouted back in shock, vehemently denying it, “No no no… He’s like totally one-hundred percent into you!”

The answer surprised Aster even more than the girl being there. “You know about us?” What did it mean that Paul already started telling his friends about them? How many more people knew? What should she do with Trig?

“He wanted to do some extra reading. So I lent him some books.”

This was getting weirder and weirder. What’s _extra_ reading to a person like Paul? Aster couldn’t help repeating after the girl, “He’s doing extra reading?”

“For you.” The girl continued in a matter of fact tone.

 _That’s weird_ , Aster thought, but managed to say “That’s… sweet” instead.

“It is.”

Finally, the girl convinced Aster that she wasn’t sleeping with Paul, and Aster broke into a smile. She started telling Ellie about their first date, how she couldn’t stop talking about books and how Paul really didn’t seem to enjoy that, “I could be such a nervous idiot.”

“You could never be an idiot”, the girl interjected, and Aster looked up. _What?_

“…I mean, _Paul_ would never think that about you. He’s way into you.”

Aster continued to smile. It was a strange morning, but she was liking this girl more.

“I should go back to the station”, the girl suddenly said and started storming towards the door. As she almost walked past Aster, she noticed the painting Aster was holding, waiting to show Paul, and reached out to get a better look.

Aster was suddenly very self-conscious. Most of Squahamish would only see a picture of a flower. She remembered her father dismissing all her work before she finally gave up… She started explaining it’s just a silly thing, but Ellie already started commenting absentmindedly in the still raspy morning voice, “I like this stroke off to the side… Lonely… but hopeful…”

Aster stared at Ellie. _Who is this girl?_ It’s the exact emotion she was trying to convey in the painting.

Ellie seemed to come back to Earth too after a second. She shoved the painting back into Aster’s hands, hastily said “I love it”, and started heading to the door again with her clothes and her bag hanging on her shoulder, leaving Aster stunned by herself.

Wait… what… _who is this girl?_ No, seriously… they’ve been going to the same school for 4 years… Aster always assumed that nobody understood her paintings, or any paintings, in this town… Her dad saw art as a waste of time, as children’s game. He never thought her work as anything but some random kill-time, and a distraction from what she should really do, which is to marry off to a rich person as soon as possible… and this whole time, this girl was sitting in chorus with her, and playing organ in her dad’s church? Wait wait wait… how could Aster have never talked to Ellie? Never discovered her? Wait… _Wait!_

“Hey!” Aster turned around. She had to seize this moment.

Ellie turned around too with a blank face and met Aster’s eyes.

Aster looked at her. The brightest student in school. The girl who had been getting Trig A’s for 4 years. The only other minority her age in town. The heathen that played in her dad’s church for 4 years…

It must come across as weird, but Aster had to ask. “Can I come with?”

“To the station?” Yup, Ellie was bewildered.

“I already lied to my dad about where I’d be. I have the day.” Aster smiled hopefully.

The girl looked at her like she had never seen anything like her. But she didn’t say no.


	10. Chapter 10

Ellie’s morning routine was nothing like the other high school students’. It was supposed to be her dad’s job, but Ellie took over since she was 13 when her mom died. She sat in the booth, did the switches for the trains, and flashed lights.

She let Aster hold the lights this morning, and it was a blast for Aster. The feeling of being in charge, having trains move at her command… It felt so different from waiting tables and putting up smiles. She chased the train, and looked back to see Ellie leaning against the booth, beaming as she watched Aster.

“That was awesome.” Aster exclaimed, as Ellie waved off Aster’s excitement and put away the lights.

Ellie didn’t quite get it, but Aster wasn’t really that impressed by _holding lights_. The hours that Ellie worked were terrible. She wasn’t doing this for extra cash, but for her _father’s_ income. And she was called “Chuga-chuga-chu-chu” at school for this. To live through all that hardship and ridicule with her head held high, commanding her life with strength… was so cool to Aster.

Aster looked at the girl who just sat down in the booth. It didn’t seem like she had more chores…

“Do you want to get out of here?”

Ellie looked even more surprised at the invite. But again, she didn’t say no.

They drove out of Squahamish into the woods. Aster discovered the place a year ago when she was taking a break and getting some fresh air. It was unthinkable but there was a natural hot spring in the middle of the woods in Washington. The spot was just far enough from the roads that it’s usually not discovered by passing drivers, but close enough that the walk wasn’t too long. Aster had come back to the location a couple of times after that to get away from things and relax, but this was the first time she was bringing someone with her. Aster smiled as she glanced at Ellie who was feeling the wind through the car window. She never thought she’d find someone that she’d want to bring along.

It took a while for Aster to get Ellie comfortable with being in the hot spring with her. The idea of stripping down naked in front of a friend she just made seemed to have completely mortified the girl. She was adamant to not look at any inch of Aster’s exposed skin and insisted on wearing almost all her clothes in the spring, but eventually with radio music she managed to calm down a bit, and they started talking about all sorts of random memories and funny anecdotes.

Aster could not remember the last time she had a chat like this with someone, if she ever did. For once she did not need to fake smile at boring or snobbish conversations, or go on about the only topic others seemed to be interested in.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever hung with a girl and not talked about boys before.” She smiled at Ellie.

Ellie was apparently taken back by this comment. “Oh! Sorry!” She bluntly apologized.

“Don’t be. It’s nice.” Aster assured her, but suddenly wondering to herself why she felt this way with this girl… Ellie just wasn’t like any other person she had hung with. There was a sense of peace and comfort that was exotic to the hangouts of Trig’s gang. There was an atmosphere that she didn’t want to break. Maybe it was the steam…

“Paul’s cool!” Ellie blurted out though.

Aster sighed. The girl broke it. But if she had to talk about boys…

“He’s confusing.” Aster started admitting, and for a second she forgot that she was talking to another person, as if it was just herself in the spring again, “When I’m with him, I feel… feel safe. He’s a sweet guy… Then he writes these things that feel… not safe…”

Ellie’s brows slightly creased. “Not safe.”

With another sigh Aster began recounting her dad and Trig’s conversation about their future wedding. The question had not been popped yet, but it seemed that other people had already answered for her. Most girls in Squahamish would die for this, and her dad was happy… it was dangerous to harbor any other desires… “I should marry Trig”, she said out loud, trying convince herself.

“Oh.” Ellie’s eyes turned round.

“Should I?” The girl’s shock startled Aster too, but Ellie was unable to find words at this question.

Yeah. Why did she throw such a question at Ellie? She looked at her hands, imagining the shackles of a ring on her finger. “God doesn’t know either, if it’s any consolation.”

Ellie looked like she couldn’t understand why that would be any consolation. “I don’t believe in god”, she said.

“Must be so nice.” Aster replied. A life without the boring prayers and choruses, and where there was freedom to critique the bible just like any other book…

“No, it’s not. It’s… lonely.”

Aster blinked, then nodded. Yeah. This was Squahamish. Being an atheist would make one an outcast.

“I wish I knew what I believed. I keep asking god for a sign. And then Paul’s letter appeared in my locker… And I’ve never felt so… understood.”

Silence.

Aster suddenly noticed that she was talking about very personal feelings to a girl she just started hanging with.

"It's silly", she dismissed herself and let out a laugh.

"No… it's not silly". Ellie replied quietly, and Aster looked back to see the girl's eyes fixed on her softly. The girl looked like she had more to say... but she didn't...

Aster studied the girl. So smart, so tough... but so gentle. There was a hint of sorrow in Ellie's eyes, telling her it's okay. It was strange that she only started talking to this girl that day, but it felt like the girl had known her for ages. Her gaze was so soothing, all her embarrassment was accepted and turned into peace. Aster smiled at her, suddenly remembering the first time they talked, the first time Aster noticed that the guarded straight-A girl was pretty... And yet all that clothing.

"You know what _is_ silly?" Aster smirked as she approached Ellie, who seemed to get more nervous the closer Aster got. The innocence was cute. She could see her eyes blinking in confusion, her lips slightly open, clueless, and under water Ellie's hands were resting casually on some rocks. She grabbed the edge of Ellie's T-shirt and started yanking it up, laughing as Ellie realized that she was being stripped by Aster Flores, protesting while struggling to not touch any part of Aster.

They spent the rest of the day floating in the spring, heads next to each other’s, looking up at the sky while listening to the radio. Their voices were close to whispers as they talked randomly about art and philosophy, while above them the clouds drifted, and the color of the sky turned from light blue to dark indigo.


	11. Chapter 11

It was completely dark when they got home. As Ellie walked out of the car and walked towards her house, Aster suddenly turned and called her. She didn't know why, but she just wanted to see the girl once more before the day was over.

Ellie turned around, surprise on her face. Aster looked at her for a second, suddenly aware that she did not know what she actually stopped her to say. "I had a good time"? "We should do this again"?

"I hope you find something good to believe in", she finally said to the heathen. They smiled, and Aster left to say hi to Paul, who lived next door and was just taking out the trash.

Paul was still wearing an apron from a long day of work. He gave a shy puppy smile upon seeing her, and fell quiet, as he always did. Two days ago, Aster felt like she had so much to tell Paul, but now that she just spent the day with Ellie the nonbeliever, she could only think of one thing to ask, “Do you believe in god?”

Paul looked slightly surprised by this question, his brows creased, “Of course.”

Aster paused. Of course… It was the expected answer in Squahamish. It was the _only_ acceptable answer in Squahamish. But somehow, she was slightly let down by the simple and unwavering yes...

“I got your painting”, Paul said, smiling earnestly, bringing her back to the conversation, “it was pretty.”

He seemed genuine, and it was a compliment, but something just didn’t feel right… But how could it not feel right?

She reached out to Paul’s collar and he quickly leaned in for a kiss. It was a gentle kiss, his hands touching her waist so slightly she could barely feel it, and his lips brushing hers ever so carefully, as if he was afraid his strength would hurt her.

They separated, and the atmosphere was almost as awkward as their first date again.

“Big game this week”, Paul broke the silence.

“I’ll see you after.” Aster replied, not knowing what else to say. And after some more awkward glances, Aster left for her car.

That night as Aster lay in bed, she found herself wide awake, but consciously avoiding her phone. Texting Paul used to be so easy. They would text each other for hours about all these things neither of them could let out in real life. But something just felt odd that night. For the first time since they started writing to each other, Aster couldn't think of anything to talk to him about. The boy’s words used to be so intellectually daring, bowing to no established wisdom, yet he believed in god with no doubts… but everyone in Squahamish believed in god… _she_ believed in god… why did she expect a different answer? Well, she should leave the boy some space after all. He’s practicing for a big game.

She thought of that girl that she just happened to find in Paul's bedroom. She's so similar to Paul. Ellie was so sophisticated, so artistic, even more so than Paul, and she wasn't shy to speak her mind. Paul couldn't ever seem to get his words out right in real life, however eloquent he was on a keyboard. And for some reason, while Ellie seemed freer, she also seemed to be holding on to some secrets that she would never allow out.

But then, that's understandable. She never thought about Ellie's family and how she grew up, but seeing her do her dad's job, she understood. The responsibility thrust upon her shoulders at such a young age was incomprehensible to Aster. While Aster was carefully dressed and raised to "be a lady" by her parents, Ellie was left to carry the weight of her broken family, and she learned to survive rather than to please. It made sense that a pretty girl like that was only ever seen in cheap unflattering clothes, a simple ponytail, and a serious soldier face. She thought of the kids who called her "Chuga-chuga-chu-chu". What jerks. They had no idea. And despite all that, the kid who was dealt the worst cards in school also got the best grades. And not just straight-A's for herself, but straight-A's for half the class. And people took it for granted. Trig had been complaining lately that Ellie stopped writing his essays...

She remembered when she first met Trig. The radiating smile. The invincible confidence... She didn't know better when she was 15, but that wasn't real confidence. That was just being spoiled. Real confidence was carrying a defeated family when it crumbled, walking through hecklers every day and coming out strong, and "it's an A or you don't pay".

But for such a tough person, Ellie was so... soft. The way she described art and music was transcendent. She so easily understood what Aster was trying to convey in her painting. She's the only girl that didn't tease Aster about boys, but listened quietly as Aster gave away her secrets. And yet the girl was blushing so hard after failing to stop Aster from pulling her T-shirt off of her...

The only other person Aster knew who came close to this was Paul.

Maybe that's why Paul's friends with her too, Aster explained to herself as she drifted closer to sleep, he wanted some good books from her…


	12. Chapter 12

The day of Paul’s football game finally came. Truth be told, Squahamish’s football team was quite depressing. They had not scored anything in 15 years. Nobody ever had any expectations for them, and players not knowing what they were doing was a common sight. But it was Paul’s big game, and he was very excited, glancing at the stands every 2 minutes to find his friends.

Aster waved at Paul when his eyes found her. He waved back and continued to search the stands, looking for more of his family or friends. Suddenly he seemed to find the people he was looking for, and started waving non-stop at them. He probably just found his entire family and had to say hi to everybody, but there was a game going on…

Suddenly the ball got kicked out and found its way into a distracted Paul’s hands. Surprised at first, he started dashing towards the end of the field. The opposing team turned to stop him, but Paul was pulling away from the field as nobody came close to catching him… The audience were all on their feet now, cheering a scene not seen in the town for 15 years… And Paul scored!!

The crowd went wild. Paul just became the school hero. He looked back at the stands, triumphant, searching, but his teammates tackled him to the ground before Aster’s eyes could meet his.

When the blowout game finally ended, Aster found her way into the stadium. Paul should be done changing back into his normal clothes now. She was happy for him, and also excited. Her texts with Paul had been so philosophical, it was refreshing to spend time with him just as teenager boy and girl, drinking soda and cuddling after a football game. She saw one of Paul's teammates, and they told her Paul went to the vending machine to get some soda. Of course, she smiled. She just made her way to the vending machines and --

"You don't want me to kiss you?" She heard Paul's voice shouting at a someone. Aster's insides seemed to freeze. No, that can't be Paul's voice...

"No!!" The voice of the responder made Aster's heart sink even more, Ellie??? She could not believe it, she could not bring herself to see it, but she had to see it. It had got to be some other people who sounded like them. She made her way to the door.

"Why??" Paul's voice was hurt, his face was shocked, and even as he towered over Ellie he just looked like a hurt puppy, "I-Is there someone else?"

It was as if she was looking at them through a tunnel. She felt like she was just hit by a football, right in the chest. She didn't notice if she made any sound, but suddenly they both jerked their heads up and looked at her. She was dumbstruck for a moment, but immediately came back to her senses as Ellie gasped her name.

She ran. Away from them. Towards the exit. She heard Ellie shout out "this is not... we're not..." from the room, but nothing from Paul. As she got out of the stadium without anybody stopping her, she realized that Paul, the fastest boy on the field, had not come out to chase her, to explain, to ask for forgiveness...

Paul dumped her.

But how could it be? After all those letters, those messages, that beautiful wall art... How could it not mean anything to him? She laid her heart bare in front of him. All her darkest secrets and insecurities. And she thought she knew some of his weaknesses too. How was it that such a guy could shout "I like you" to her in a restaurant full of people a few short weeks ago, and then do this?

Ellie. She could definitely understand why Paul fell for that girl. So cute, so talented, so understanding... They think alike, even more than Paul and her. Paul even asked for books from Ellie, and had her sleep over in his bed. He told her about them, he must have trusted her with everything, and yet he never brought up this friend to Aster... he never brought up anything to her really, their dates were always so quiet, and awkward...

She took out her phone and quickly blocked and deleted Paul Munsky and SmithCorona, along with all the texts.

As every message they exchanged was wiped from the phone, Aster felt like the air had been sucked out of her lungs.

The boy who declared his "longing for a wave of love to swell up"... It was as if he never existed. As if that was just a character made up to seduce her, and now the mask had come off.

Maybe this was god's answer.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to change the timeline here a bit. It seemed a bit too pathetic if the proposal happened in April and Ellie & Aster didn't talk again until August

Summer.

High school was over. Aster had still not made any plans on what's next. The past month had been empty. She did not even know how the days passed. Ever since she caught Paul trying to kiss Ellie in the basement of the stadium, she had felt ripped. It was like a part of her had been torn away. Paul used to give her a place to lay down her secrets and passions. And now she was left alone. In the hardest time of her life. And no one even knew.

Well, Ellie knew. She saw Ellie a few times before school was over, and Ellie looked just as miserable as her and Paul. Just like Paul, Ellie also avoided Aster’s eyes, even though Aster didn’t really blame her for Paul’s cheating.

Aster thought she knew Paul, but did she really? The boy’s a genius in written words, but he couldn’t complete a coherent sentence in real life. She had no idea who he was close with until she found Ellie in his bed. Their dates had very little chemistry, and she went with it anyway. Come to think of it, _she_ invited _herself_ to the first date, and _she_ texted _him_ after that disaster. She was blinded by those letters. She wanted him to be that guy, that perfect guy, but weren’t there enough signs to tell her that he wasn’t? Why was she even surprised that the boy lost interest in her?

She was also mad somehow that of all girls in school, she caught Paul with Ellie. She wasn’t quite sure why it mattered that it was Ellie. Perhaps because she trusted the girl who so vehemently denied that there was anything going on between her and Paul? Or perhaps other than Paul, Ellie seemed like the only person who ever got it, and now Paul had taken her out of Aster’s life as well?

But either way, she wasn’t going to talk to Ellie about it. Ellie just reminded her too much of Paul, or the Paul of her fabrications. She was convinced that if she did go talk to Ellie, whatever Ellie would say would sound too much like Paul in his letters. And there was something else about Ellie that she just didn't want to consider.

It was a Sunday. Aster was sitting in church as usual, listening to the same old speeches and choruses, not registering the empty words.

“Our final reading today is from Trig Carson.” Her dad announced from the pulpit, and Trig stood up.

Trig was different today. He was usually in casual clothes, taking selfies, and not paying attention in church. But he had a full suit on today, and when he turned around to face the hall, he did not have his usual cocky grin. Instead, he was calm and serious, displaying a diplomatic smile as he began to address the room.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud…”

Trig recited as some girls in the back giggled. Trig smiled to soak in the moment. Aster thought of the 11 muscles required for performing a yawn.

“…Which is why I am in love with this little lady…”

With a proud grin, Trig turned his eyes towards Aster, as did the whole room that was now holding their breaths. Aster jolted back to reality.

“…And why she will make me a fantastic _wife_.”

Absolute silence. Aster was suddenly very conscious. She had completely forgotten about this. She had been so hung over the boy who broke her heart, she forgot that her family and Trig's had been planning something. She stared at what was happening, at what must look like a wonderful moment to every other soul in the room.

"Aster, will you?" Trig held out his hand.

The world was closing in on her. She could not hear a thing as she panicked in her head. The church was watching… Her dad was standing at the pulpit, the rest of her family were sitting right next to her… She knew that Paul was also sitting a few rows behind. She could not see him but she could feel his impassive gaze, surprised perhaps, but not objecting…

She didn't have a choice. Her numb limbs managed to bring her up somehow. She looked into Trig's eyes, Trig's ever so confident eyes... she squeezed out a smile at Trig as she had always done in the past 2 years, and resigned a nod.

She heard the silence erupt into applause, as the church cheered her inevitable fate. The end game had come. She was going to become Trig's wife. Finally, she was forced to abandon the illusion that she should have lost years ago, that she was ever meant to have dreams…

"NO!!!"

A voice yelled out from the balcony.


	14. Chapter 14

Aster spun around along with every other person in the church hall. Ellie Chu was standing up on the balcony, and she seemed just as shocked as everybody else at what she just did. With all eyes on her, she stammered “I just… I just meant… love isn’t… love isn’t…”

After some silence, Aster's dad cut in to put the girl out of the pain. “Thank you Ellie, now let’s…”

“Love isn’t pretending.” Paul suddenly stood up, and the crowd gasped again, at the two teenagers crashing a proposal. It’s the first time Aster had heard from Paul since the football game. For a long time she had wanted Paul to tell her not to marry Trig. But now that he was actually crashing the scene, Aster’s noticing something... Paul’s eyes did not meet her gaze… he wasn’t objecting for her…

Paul looked down at his hands, and started his speech.

“I know, because I’ve been pretending. Only for a few weeks, but it sucks. And I’ve been thinking about how much it would suck to have to pretend to be not you your whole life. I always thought there was one way to love. One right way. But there’s more. So many more than I knew. And I never want to be the guy who stops loving someone... for loving the way they want to love.”

It was the weirdest speech. The church could not understand what he was saying. But this was the most eloquent Paul had ever been in real life. And he sounded firm, determined…

The pastor came to the rescue again, “Thank you Paul, that was… odd. Now let’s…”

“I’ve also been pretending.” Ellie’s voice was much stronger now. There was determination. But before she could continue, Trig cut in with his usual smooth smile.

“I think I know where this is going. Ellie, I’m flattered.” He said without a trace of sorry on his face. “But you and I --”

Ellie stopped him impatiently. “You know Trig, I’ve been writing your essays for the last 4 years. So if you’ll forgive me, I’m just gonna rewrite you one last time.”

Trig cowered at the words, distracted momentarily as his parents glared at him. Ellie barely took another glance at him as she took a deep breath to walk down the stairs and start talking. Her face was resolute. It was the same determination on Paul’s face when he stood up in the diner, not caring if his speech wasn’t well prepared enough anymore, and suddenly Aster seemed to understand what was going to happen before it did.

“Love isn’t patient and kind and humble.” Ellie said as she walked down the stairs, not looking at anyone, scripting impromptu.

 _No, don't..._ Aster felt her breath getting heavier as Ellie continued. But Ellie went on, still not looking up, staring at the ground, searching for the right words.

“Love is messy, and horrible, and selfish, and… _bold_.”

Aster felt like she was watching everything unfold from another dimension, as the girl’s final word echoed in her head like a medieval bell.

“It is not finding your perfect half. It’s the trying and reaching and failing…”

Paul seemed to be sharing her heavy breathing now.

“Love is… being willing to ruin your good painting, for the chance at a great one.”

Aster stared at Ellie, her heart racing as everything pieced together, and her denial finally torn down.

The truth didn't really surprise her. It was so simple and obvious. Of course, the girl who wrote everybody's essays helped her best friend find the right words to capture her. Deep down, she probably already knew, but she didn't want to acknowledge it. The lie was much easier, even if Paul dumped her in the end. At least Paul once wrote those letters. At least Paul was really the guy she thought he was. At least it was _acceptable_. And now, standing in church, in front of her dad, in front of all these people of Squahamish, there was no room for pretending anymore...

Ellie looked back at her directly, her face solemn. "Is this really the boldest stroke you can make?"

Aster understood the plea. There were no hands held out for her, asking her to say yes. But the "boy" who found her a wall to be free... did care.

Aster felt her throat tightening. She couldn't open her mouth, but heard the word "you" slip out from herself.

"Yeah." Ellie's reply was resigned. She looked at her with apologetic but firm eyes.

Aster suddenly felt an anger rising in her at the sight of Ellie quietly coming clean. The truth didn't surprise her, but the fact that it came out did. Was it not cruel enough that she got dumped by a boy who she shouldn't have been seeing in the first place? Did she really have to rub it in that that boy never existed? That she had been texting a _girl_? The apologetic look wasn't enough. No. Ellie Chu had completely disrupted her life. She poured her heart out in those letters and messages, and got her heart broken into a million pieces. It was all a lie, but she cried and lost sleep over him, kept this secret from everyone, and cheated on Trig.

Trig!

Aster suddenly remembered where she was. She needed to get out. This was not how she was going to spend the rest of her life.

She started to walk towards the door. Her heart ramming against her chest, her airway not circulating, her ears hearing screeches that she had no idea whether they were real or not… Too many things were happening at once, but her unblinking eyes could not leave Ellie, as she finally met the true identity of the secret admirer behind the letters, and absorbed how this girl that she once liked… manipulated all her feelings.

She stopped in front of Paul, the boy who was never who she thought he was. _They made her kiss him_ … Still looking at Ellie, she slapped Paul with all her anguish.

The church broke into mayhem. People were rising from their seats and shouting things. Ellie's face turned from grave to shock. And Aster couldn't take it anymore. She broke eye contact with Ellie and walked away as fast as she could, before anybody was able to see the tears come down. Behind her the church erupted into more chaos. She could hear Trig calling her name, and her dad trying to calm the church. She failed them both. There's no going back.


	15. Chapter 15

Aster ran home, got her car keys, and drove away from Squahamish before anybody could come home to stop her.

It was all a lie... It was all a lie...

 _But was it?_ Someone did write those letters... Someone did understand her...

Of course it was Ellie. Of course the person who was so knowledgeable about repressed literature, who quoted Wim Wenders in the first letter, who led her to that wall that they painted on, was the straight-A girl who wrote everybody's essays, and not some football jock who spent his evenings making sausages. How many teenagers here read the Remains of the Day? And the way Ellie understood her painting in ways Paul never could... Did she really not know, or did she pretend to not know?

Too late now. But it was just a few letters. She could still forget about the letters and move on…

 _But could she?_ She replied to them, knowing it was wrong. Within two exchanges, she started pouring her heart out, to the only person who ever seemed to get it. And she said yes to Paul Munsky after 2 terrible dates.

She only hung out with _her_ once though...

And what was that feeling she had at the hot spring? It was so free and peaceful. It was like she could just float in the hot spring wearing Ellie's clothes forever and listen to her talk. About songs and quotes. About life and the world. And feel at home when Ellie's head lay close to hers.

She remembered that moment she told Ellie about that letter, how she never felt so understood. And how Ellie quietly told her that it's not silly. How the girl looked at her at that moment. The sorrow in her eyes, her lips slightly open, the unspoken secret... and in that moment all Aster wanted to do was to strip the girl’s clothes off of her…

NO!

No. She could not. She must not. It’s not right. She needed to stay angry at Ellie. The girl played her. That's it.

That's it. She played her.

_But did she really?_

_Love is bold... Love is being willing to ruin your good painting for the chance at a great one…_ The words rang in Aster’s ears. Now that she wanted to convince herself that it was all just a deception, and the only feeling she had at the moment was anger, she was realizing a horrifying truth.

They never had a chance in this town, but the girl… loved her… _back_.

And the girl came back for her today. Not asking to be with her. But asking her to be free.

Her phone started ringing. Her dad's name displayed on her phone. She left it ringing, without any courage to pick it up. A few seconds after the ringing died a text message shows up on the screen, "COME BACK NOW". She trembled and started crying as she sped up on the highway down to Sacramento.

She'd have to tell him eventually. Not everything, but he'd have to know that she had made other plans. She was not going to marry Trig. And she was not going to stay in Squahamish much longer. She didn't know how realistic it was, but she was going to try for art school. She could fail, but she needed to try it out, see how the bold stroke would turn out.

Her phone rang again. Trig. But this time she was determined. She wiped away her tears and declined the call.


	16. Chapter 16

August.

It had been a month since Aster walked out of the church and made the trip to Sacramento. Aster's dad had stopped screaming at her over how she could cause such a scene and turn down Trig's proposal. In fact, he had stopped talking to her at all. He only expressed his anger silently now, by pretending he couldn't see or hear her. Her mother was a bit less aggressive, but neither of them were particularly happy with Aster's insistence on art school applications. Her little sister sympathized, but Aster didn't want to bring anything onto her. Telling her more would either lose Aster another family member or force her sister to take her side and fight against her parents too. She also stopped going to church, which allowed her to see her dad even less. But truth be told, she never liked it there anyway. Aster divided her time between waiting at the restaurant and painting at home or in the woods these days. She needed four pieces of portfolio for art school applications, and she had not painted in a while. 

News spread that Trig had already moved on, and now that she's not the popular girl, none of Aster's girl friends talked much to her anymore. The loneliness barely bothered Aster. It's not like she ever enjoyed the drinking games or Trig's bragging parties that much anyway. There was one person that Aster missed, but she forced herself to not think about her.

Ellie Chu broke her heart in so many ways now. She would have never cared that Paul kissed another girl had Ellie not gotten her to fall in love with that fabricated character in the first place. She would not be in this mental crisis had Ellie not revealed that _she_ was in fact the "guy" that wrote her all the texts and letters, and led her to that wall. It hurt to know that the one who wrote the letters was never able to be with her, and it hurt even more to realize that that person never planned on being with her in the first place. And the worst part, in spite of all the anger and pain, even though the thought scared her to death, she actually considered it. If those letters and messages were sincere... if she really meant it when she said love was bold...

But this was Squahamish. Her dad was the pastor. And herself... she never lived for herself anyway. She just lived to be pretty, smile when people looked at her, and be polite. "Be like a lady."

Aster smiled and thanked the customers as she walked out with them, finishing her shift. It was a nice breezy day, as she looked out the door and...

No.

Aster stopped. She froze mid-sentence and the couple she was just thanking looked back curiously. Ellie Chu was waiting for her outside the restaurant, leaning against a tree with her bike next to her.

Aster felt her chest thump. She wanted nothing but to go back indoors now, but what's the point? The day was always going to come. She was not ready for this, but she couldn't deny that after months of silence, part of her wanted to know how Ellie was doing. Aster took a deep breath, folded her arms in front of her and started walking down the stairs, intently avoiding Ellie's eyes as she approached her.

"You haven't been to church", the atheist tried to open with a casual tone.

"I'm busy", Aster found herself explaining emotionlessly to Ellie, "need four portfolio pieces for art school, so..."

"Art school? That's great!" Ellie's tone was sincere, but Aster just didn't want to hear it.

"Well nothing's great yet, but we'll see." It’s taking all the strength in Aster to fake a casual tone, but she had to keep her cool, "what's going on with you?"

"Well, I got into Grinnell", Ellie carefully announced while looking at Aster's eyes that were determined to not look back. Despite the cautiousness there was unmistakable excitement in her tone, "I'm leaving tomorrow..."

Aster couldn't take it anymore. "That's great Ellie, take care", she quickly said as she turned around and started walking away from this girl whose very presence made her want to go drown herself. And now she's leaving. Well, who couldn't have seen that coming? Brilliant as Ellie Chu was never going to waste her life away in Squahamish. This was always just a casual wall art to her, destined to be erased away eventually. How could Aster be so stupid, as to actually being wooed by a casual game, and responding with passion? She allowed herself to be vulnerable, and the girl made sure to break her heart as cruelly as possible. And now the girl just showed up and cheerfully announced that she's off to a better future? As if she expected Aster to happily toast her! She would just walk away now and never --

"Aster!" She heard Ellie's voice calling at her back, and her legs slowed to a stop. She closed her eyes. Why was she still not able to walk away?

"I'm sorry." Ellie's voice was almost trembling. Aster took in a deep breath and shut her eyes firm. She had been so mad at Ellie. Every day since the church, she wanted Ellie to feel her pain, a stab at the heart so sharp that no slap on the face could possibly convey. But now that she heard pain in Ellie's voice, she rathered be dead instead.

"It was just... supposed to be one letter", Ellie continued in the heartbroken tone, "I never meant to hurt you."

Aster stared at the sidewalk. She still wanted to run away from this scene, disappear off the face of Earth right now, but she couldn't. It was just supposed to be one letter... So why did you continue?

She bit her lips, tightened her grip on her arms, and finally forced herself to turn around. As she turned, she caught a glimpse of Ellie's face. It was filled with sorrow and concern, and she looked just as terrified as Aster. Aster quickly looked down at the concrete ground before her own feelings betrayed her. It was aggravating. She needed to say something, but it was so hard to get a sound to form out of her mouth now… It seemed to take an eternity, but Aster finally managed to speak.

"Deep down I probably knew the truth." As she started, she saw from the corner of her eyes that Ellie was not moving a muscle, but something about the figure told her that Ellie was taking it in.

"You really didn't use enough emojis in his texts", she decided to point out the flaw in Ellie's game.

Sure enough, Ellie stopped being somber, "I don't know what they mean!"

"Puppy? Or sausage?"

"I should have sent you a sausage emoji??" Ellie was incredulous.

"Fair point." Both girls let out a laugh, but knowing what she was going to say next, Aster's smile quickly turned back into fright. She wasn't sure why she was going to say it, but she needed to.

"For what it's worth… it's not like the thought never crossed my mind." Aster focused her stare at the ground again, trying to not see anything, “If things were different... or if I were different..."

She paused, unable to continue... This town that caused her so much repression... This town that Ellie was about to leave...

"You could never be different", Ellie cut her off, and Aster looked up to see her walking away, continuing to mutter things in mockery, "Am I sure I'm different? How can I know I'm sure?"

"Hey!" Aster couldn't believe the girl, "I can be sure!"

"I mean what does god think?"

"Oh my god", Aster gasped in disbelief, almost laughing... You _heathen_...

"... and on and on and on..."

"Hey now you, you watch, okay?" Aster trash talked back, waving her finger in Ellie's face, "in a couple of years, I'm going to be so sure."

"Good luck with that", Ellie clapped back, smirking, and Aster stopped, realizing what she just said, and realizing she and Ellie were now looking into each other's eyes, smiling. She was suddenly reminded of how her dad used to laugh about Ellie at the dinner table, "that heathen's quite something".

Aster looked at the girl who had been writing her all those letters and texts, who had brought her to paint on that wall, who told her it wasn't silly how she felt about "Paul", and who objected when Trig proposed to her. Just like the time when they looked at each other through the car window, Aster couldn't quite find the right words, except "Find something good in Iowa to believe in, heathen."

Ellie, knowing that this was it, gave her one last smile. Aster looked at Ellie as she started to walk away with her bike, and then she looked down at her feet. A bittersweet feeling rose in her chest, aching. After everything that happened, this was the last she'd see of Ellie Chu. The girl stole her heart, then broke it, but she also helped her find herself and the courage to try the road not taken. Ellie would go on to see the world and do so many amazing things, no doubts about that. How did it even happen that before all that, she would run into Aster and change her life? Aster thought of the first letter Ellie wrote her, "longing for a wave of love to swell up in me..."

Suddenly, the sound of a bike hitting the ground. As Aster looked up, she saw Ellie running towards her, and before she was able to comprehend what was happening, she felt Ellie's hands holding her cheeks, and Ellie's lips crashing onto hers.

Aster startled, her relaxed arms suddenly tense again. But when her hands jolted up it wasn't to push Ellie away, but to hold her closer. She couldn't think. And she didn't want to. With an inhale, she started to trace the shape of Ellie's lips with hers, and feel the softness tighten up while she let loose all her feelings, the fear and longing of doing this exact thing, and --

Ellie broke the kiss.

No time for Aster to react, "I'll see you in a couple of years", Ellie yelled as she turned away and ran towards her bike again.

Still shell shocked, Aster stared as Ellie got on the bike and rode away as fast as she could. And Aster couldn't help laughing.

All the pain and questioning, all those nights asking god to give an answer, wondering if love was just a boy’s conviction that she belonged with him… She once hoped for someone else to save her, to give her a different life, a different love story. But when it finally happened, that person didn’t ask her to be with them either. She walked out of the church by herself.

And she just kissed Ellie in the middle of the day, out on the streets, where anybody could see them. A cash-strapped Asian immigrant nonbeliever girl. Her dad would be furious. This town would probably turn away in disgust. But she just did it. And it was the easiest thing.

She gave a final glance at Ellie's disappearing frame on the horizon and smiled. _Good luck, heathen._


	17. Epilogue

December.

“Mom, dad, I got into the School of Art Institute of Chicago.” Aster announced nonchalantly as her family finished the silent prayers before dinner.

It had been 5 months since she first told her parents about her plans. Her dad had stopped pretending she was invisible, but that was not much of an improvement. Their conversations had been nothing but two parallel monologues where Aster repeated her intentions to go to art school, and her dad lectured Aster on how painting was a waste of time, and how she needed to find another rich boy to marry, if not Trig Carson. Once in a while he’d also throw in a few comments on how much embarrassment she had caused. Her mom just looked miserable during those exchanges, but she kept herself from taking either sides. Her sister looked uneasy at the cold war family dynamics at first, but over time she learned to ignore all three of them.

“They offered me full scholarship, and I’ll find a part time job when I get there. I can take care of myself.” Aster continued without looking up from her plate, which she was only pretending to focus on. Her parents would probably refuse to pay any bills for her, so it was best to get it out of the way straight away.

“School starts in late January. I already put in my notice at the restaurant.” She finished, and started to eat her chicken while bracing for the storm. She was convinced that all her dad’s previous outbursts would be nothing compared to what was about to happen, now that she’s actually going to art school. She had already packed her backpack with some essentials, just in case she wouldn’t be able to stay the night at home.

After a minute of silence, Aster noticed that none of them had said anything, or even chewed food. _Really? They hate it this much?_ Having hoped that it would be quick, she looked up with impatience, but her dad was not building up a rage.

The stern pastor had one hand folded across his chest, and the other covering his mouth. Behind the glasses, the man was in tears.

Shocked and embarrassed by the sight, Aster looked to her mom, who quietly put one hand on her dad’s shoulders, and told Aster that she was proud of her. Underneath the table, she felt a squeeze on her knees, and she turned her head to see her sister grinning widely at her, a genuine smile she had not seen from her sister for a long time. 

“Aster, I don’t know anything about painting”, her dad finally spoke with a shaking voice, “If you’re good, I was never able to tell... I only ever wanted the best for you, but maybe I didn’t know what was best for you. But I love you. And I want you to be happy.”

Still stunned, Aster nodded as she tried to gulp back her own tears. Suddenly her sister wrapped her arms around her and squeezed, laughing.

\----------

Munsky Sausages had been breaking out with Paul’s new recipes in the past 5 months. They even got a second shop in Squahamish. Eventually Aster decided to check out the fuss before she left. Paul just happened to be running the shop that day, and after a pause, he walked over, puppy smile on his face as always, and gave her a hug.

“I’m sorry about what happened.” Paul said to her, and Aster quickly waved it off. It seemed like ages ago when they dated. The last time that they saw each other, Aster slapped him in front of an entire church. It was so strange, but after 5 busy months, Aster could not find a shred of anger towards him anymore. It was as if they were just two old friends.

“Here, have a taco sausage. On the house.” He reached out behind the counter for one of his signature items.

“Right?” He beamed as Aster’s eyes widened upon tasting the sausages, “Ellie helped me write to the food critics. Really got the word out. And now we’re looking at opening a shop in Seattle next year! I’ll probably move there!”

Aster congratulated him, then quickly buried her face in another bite. It was the first time she heard that name since summer… She deleted SmithCorona a long time ago, not knowing who it actually was. But even if she still had Ellie’s contact, it didn’t seem like a good idea to reach out while her future was uncertain, and Ellie was half a country away, starting a new life, maybe falling in love with someone new.

“She’s coming back for Christmas”, Paul said after a pause, eying her carefully.

“Yeah? How’s she doing?” Aster asked casually without looking up, but the fact that Paul only referred to Ellie as “she” was making Aster very conscious. She hoped she didn’t blush.

“She seems fine. She says college life is busy… but she says she likes it. More people get her over there.” Paul was still staring at her.

“That’s great.” Aster kept her poker face, feeling a mixture of happiness and sadness deep down. She’s glad that Ellie’s doing well, but if “more people get her over there”, was Aster still special to her?

“I’m leaving too. I got into art school.” She decided to change the topic before Paul could tell her more about Ellie or ask her questions.

Paul’s face lit up in awe. “No kidding! Congratulations!”

“Yeah, thanks. I already told my boss. After Christmas I’m done.” Aster smiled as she finished the last bite of her taco sausage and cleaned herself up. “This is really good, Paul. You’re gonna make it so big in Seattle. I hope it makes it all across the country.”

Paul’s face was even happier than when she said yes to him in the diner. He gave her a final hug and watched her leave the shop. After a few seconds he chased out, and shoved another taco sausage into Aster’s hands. “Hey! Have a braised pork sausage too. It’s Ellie’s favorite!”

\----------

Aster finished her final day at the restaurant 2 days before Christmas. She thanked everybody as they toasted her and wished her luck. Her boss even poured her a small sip of wine. She laughed and let her hair loose as she walked out the doors, and a girl straightened up from the tree she was leaning against.

Just like 4 months ago, Ellie was waiting in front of the restaurant. The girl’s fashion senses improved a little bit, now wearing a trench coat and jeans that fit her skinny frame. Her hair was still in a ponytail, but shorter, sharper.

Aster felt her smile freeze again, but after a second it came back, and the girl grinned at her too. Still, she walked down the stairs with her hands in her pockets, and stopped 3 feet from the girl. It had been 4 months after all. She didn’t want to assume.

“Hi heathen.” - Ellie smiled at the nickname - “How’s college?”

It seemed to take a second to get Ellie to stop smiling and start talking. Ellie gave an effort to not sound too happy in her tone, but the satisfaction in her eyes was unmistakable.

“It’s awesome. The classes are interesting, and the people are great, and there’s so much going on… There’s this art workshop that I go to a lot actually. Learned some painting and graffiti over there. I almost recreated that wall painting you made, not as good though.”

Aster smiled, unsure what to say. So she’s trying out Aster’s hobbies… 

Ellie seemed to understand the silence. “Paul told me you got into art school.”

Aster’s turn to hesitate before talking about her life. “Yeah... Dad finally came around. I was so sure that he’d yell at me and cut me off, but he was actually… happy. Maybe it’s just because he won't need to pay, I got full scholarship so…”

“Full scholarship! Wow.” The girl’s face was full of adoration, just like Aster’s little sister’s when she got the news.

“Yeah…” Aster looked around at the houses on the empty street that was getting dark. They were all covered with Christmas lighting, twinkling like stars in the milky way, and there were mistletoes on each door... She looked back at Ellie.

“I’m going to the School of Art Institute of Chicago.”

“That’s great. That’s one of the best art schools in the country, right?”

“It’s about 4 hours from Grinnell.”

Ellie looked surprised as she silently absorbed the words. There were some muffled sounds of people chatting and cheering coming from the restaurant, but the street was mostly quiet. They were the only two people on the street, and Aster could hear her heart beat now. She looked into Ellie’s eyes. She could see the starry Christmas ornaments on the streets reflected in them.

Ellie walked forward, closing the distance between them. A hand reached to Aster’s cheek, slowly sliding through her hair to the back of her neck. Aster felt her own hands leave her pockets and reach to Ellie’s arms as Ellie walked closer to her. “Told you I’d be sure.” She whispered, as she closed her eyes and their open lips met.


End file.
